Have you ever noticed how good it feels to be disciplined? No, I’m not talking about anything kinky here. I have in mind the self-discipline you practice when you get your chores done... follow your budget... respond to your phone messages... keep your promise -- that kind of discipline!
I got to thinking about this when I read a small study in Nutrition Journal reporting that Seventh-Day Adventists who are vegetarians rated themselves happier than fellow church members who eat meat rated themselves. The researchers posited that the vegetarians’ elevated mood was "an unrecognized benefit of a vegetarian diet." I suspect another factor was at play. Since the study also noted that these vegetarians ate more nutritiously overall -- choosing fruits, vegetables and whole grains over processed and packaged foods and sweets -- it seems clear to me that a really big part of this group’s culture is that they are comfortable saying "no" to themselves. In other words, self-control helps make them -- and could make any of us -- happier people.
Why Not Say Yes?
I’m sure that there are loads of folks who would disagree -- people who embrace saying yes to everything as a kind of "joie de vivre" lifestyle. Included here are those who won’t diet because life is "too short" to not eat cake... who pile up credit card debt because they "deserve" this latest indulgence... or who ignore deadlines as a display of their "independence." And I have to agree, that there are many situations in which saying no to ourselves is difficult -- it denies us something that we may hanker for and easily can prompt the internal child’s protest, "I can do what I want!"
But the idea that saying yes to anything and everything you can is freedom actually turns out to be one of life’s great ironies, said Lauren Zander, life coach and Daily Health News contributor. Granting your own every wish may indeed feel like freedom, but in fact it’s the opposite: It’s all but guaranteed to bring trouble. "To accomplish anything important or wonderful in your life means that you’ll inevitably have to deny yourself," Zander points out. "Implicit in every choice is the loss of other choices... and that is where real freedom lies -- in being able to say no to yourself."
Truth About Consequences
Take money, for instance. As we all know, living beyond your means catches up with you. (Our current economy is an example of this principle writ large.) Meanwhile the opposite behavior -- practicing discipline -- gives us respect for ourselves and our own integrity. "Not buying a new dress for every wedding or bar mitzvah you attend can feel good -- it reflects your values," said Zander. "Saying no means doing without some things. But we feel good anyway because it reflects, within the reality of the resources we have, the nature of our real desires."
The "resources" Zander speaks of aren’t limited to just money, either -- she’s also referring to time and physical and emotional energy. You may think you shouldn’t have to be so disciplined in all parts of your life -- such as what time of day you go to bed and wake up, your commitment to friendships, or even how and when to clean your house -- but, as Zander points out, the parts of life where we feel the most dissatisfaction tend to be the ones in which we practice the least self-control.
No? Think about it. You may not have even admitted this to yourself. People will insist that they’re "fine" with the dwindling closeness in their marriage or those new love handles that they’re carrying around. They may explain that they’ve made peace with the ho-hum relationship, the aging metabolism or the other personal limitations and stalled areas in their lives... but, really? "Everybody is so busy 'adjusting' to mediocre parts of their lives, it makes me want to cry," Zander told me.
Developing Your "No"
By now, regular readers know to expect some self-criticism as part of Zander’s approach to solving life’s challenges, but this time she takes a different tack. Instead of focusing on the parts of life where you need to make improvement, Zander invites you to take a close look at what you do that fills you with joy, pride and deep satisfaction. What parts of your life does that describe? Examine them closely, and you will see that these are most likely the parts of your life where you follow rules and regulations to keep things flowing smoothly.
Conversely, if you want to know where you would benefit from more discipline, pick out an area that isn’t going well, one you’re not so fond of discussing, one you’re not so happy about but don’t think you have the power to change. The odds are good that you’ve got an excuse at the ready, one that is holding you back. "Say it," Zander urges. "Literally verbalize aloud the reason you handle this area poorly." She said that she can virtually guarantee that the first word will be "because"... and, she says, you must pay attention to what comes next. That will be what she calls "the Big Lie" -- the fallacy that keeps you stuck where you are.
This is most especially true when what follows your "because" is "this is just the way I am." Zander wants everyone to realize that we’re not stuck being a certain way -- most people just haven’t tried to be different. You absolutely have the ability to change if you put in the effort and discipline required to transform this part of your life into one that makes you proud.
It may be that you’ll discover that what you describe as "the way I am" boils down to the choices you make. For instance, do you choose to spend your time watching TV rather than walking, running or cycling around your neighborhood? Does the commitment you display by checking in daily with all your Facebook friends exceed the one you make to sustaining intimacy in your marriage? Taking note of this is the necessary first step to changing it.
Learn from Others
A great way to learn how to create more self-control in your life is to ask an expert. Zander suggests interviewing people you know and admire to learn their secrets to excelling in certain parts of their lives. Your sister has a great marriage? Ask her about it. Your neighbor still plays a lively game of tennis at age 80? Ask how he has kept himself in shape. They will no doubt be flattered by your interest, and you will be wowed by what you hear, predicts Zander. You will see how their self-discipline is a way to honor what’s important in their lives, and how that self-control is what ultimately creates a fulfilling life.
What are three things you could change now? Click on comments to share your changes with us.
Source(s):
Lauren Zander, life coach, cofounder and chairman, The Handel Group, www.TheHandelGroup.com.
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